My eye a while back was SCARY (not in this picture, this is merely showing me with one brain cell left). Just a lot of blood all up in the white part and around the iris too. People would either make up their own story and not ask or they would ask with shock, horror, or concern what happened. I burst blood vessels plain and simple and yeah I looked ( I'm still bloody eye girl but it's so much better so I will use past tense) demon-possessed but can't be fixed. A family friend did ask if I should go see a doctor when it first happened.
I can't.
Not insured.
Fu*k.
Why you might ask and the answer is because I was dropped from the CHIP plan that I was on until 19 plus a grace period apparently. I learned that in the summer when I tried to get a chiropractic appointment "I don't exist in the system".
HOW this is freaking possible when I was insured I just got kicked out of the kid version I don't know....I do exist in the system. My records are surely there....but whatever chiropractic receptionist knows best.
My knee has fluid in it and as my 11 hour festival day came to an end it was considerably worse and I am now pretty much limping. The fun thing though is I can't really get that fixed until I get over this stupid hurdle.
Even when I do get my butt going and finish this terrifying and seemingly death-brining project, I will go to a doctor and still have to pay I'm sure! Today I hate being 19 and on my own.
So back to why I haven't fixed this problem of uninsuredliness.... because it's scary. Any day and I mean seriously any day where I have had even a tiny amount of free time where I think to myself "what should I do right now that is productive but I haven't already done?" Well, first off I basically don't do that and just stress about all the stuff I have to do but don't have time for. This is never remembered on the list though. Why?
It is scary. I don't want to do it. I don't want to figure out uploading my taxes and doing the 1 million steps involved. I feel abandoned, neglected, and very mad that I am doing this alone and without parental support. So my brain doesn't let me remember it. I always remember it late at night or when I'm out and am rushing right to class-random times that I can't finish up the application.
I need to write it down and do it. It HAS to be taken off my Rayna-is-so-overwhelmed-and-stressed-so-she-doesn't-handle-her-shi*t-well-at-all-list so I can move on to other things.
Moral: your brain desperately wants to run from scary and hard-work things but don't let it. FIght back and write it on your mirror in lipstick or on your forehead in sharpie for as long as it takes to stop ignoring the hard, stressful, and boring business in your life.
Adulting is not always fun. The tradeoff in being captain of your own ship is that you have to spend so much of your time actually managing the things other people once arranged for you. It is extra maddening when navigating the health care system feels so arbitrary and confusing. Hang in there.
This is so relatable! I definitely find myself doing this with scary things especially any sort of paperwork
Wow Rayna this is such good balance between honest and entertaining, what a good read. You are such a baddie for doing this all on your own!